Visa Fail

Date of Departure confirmed-check. Plane ticket purchased-check. Pet import documents-check. Acceptance letter from the IDC in Herzliya-check.  Aliyah paperwork complete-check.  And yet a little more than 3 months left until we move and I still don't know how I will be entering the State of Israel. The Ministry of Absorption has recommended I get a B1 or a B2 Visa.


The B1 Visa "is for a person whose stay in Israel is approved for a limited period of time for the purpose of work. This visa is given to experts and artists, among others, and is granted solely with the approval of the Ministry of the Interior."


The B2 Visa  is "issued to visiting scientists and to accompanying persons. Granted to participants in short-term programs such as conferences, Ulpan (Hebrew school), academic meetings, etc."




Dear Ministry of Absorption,


I have a bit of a problem with your visa suggestions. Please allow me to respectfully explain my frustration with your...shall we say...a complete and utter lack of logic that any normal human being with an IQ above a functional level should possess. 

But I digress.


A) I will not be working in Israel therefore I cannot be sponsored by a company to work in Israel. Period. No worky=no B1 visa. Working was never mentioned in any of the mountains of paperwork I have filled out or in the hours of phone conversations I have had to discuss the nature of my move to Israel. Did you spin around 10 times real fast, close your eyes and point to a visa? This is the only logical reason you would suggest I get a work visa. Or am I just that brilliant that you have seen to label me as an expert at life? I expect to paid accordingly by the State of Israel for being such an expert at life.


B) I am pretty sure I do not fall under the category of "visiting scientist" or persons "participating in short-term programs". I can only deduce from this suggestion that you have the absolute worst outlook on my marriage and consider my participation in it as a "short term program" and therefore will not be needing a long term visa. Thank you, Israel, for warning me of my impending divorce. Or once again, have you decided I am that brilliant and I should work as a bio-chemist in your most prestigious university? If this is the case, please forward my paycheck accordingly.


Thank you for your consideration for letting me into the State of Israel. I truly look forward to becoming a citizen of your beautiful country and hope you will allow me to do so. I will be the best citizen you've ever had. I promise. I think you can find some common sense in the third aisle of the Super Shuk in Tel Aviv, right next to the Instant Nescafe. Buy some and get back to me.


Sincerely,